Gollum's Guide to Insanity
by Mutant Goldfish
Summary: What really happened when Aragorn had caught Gollum and was taking him to Mirkwood? Short, insane and out of charater. You've been warned. R&R!
1. Kitty Cat

The Other Taming of Sméagol

Author's Notes: I was rereading The Fellowship of the Rings and I was at the part where Aragorn is going on about how he had Gollum tied up and gagged, didn't feed him and made him walk all the way to Mirkwood and was happy to be rid of him. I was highly indignant. But then, I thought, what if it was a tough guy act? What if Gollum wasn't as nice as Gandalf made him out to be?

Disclaimer: I own Lord of the Rings like Gollum own the Precious, like Tom Bombadil own the forest and like Denathor should have custody of Faramir, or be ruling Gondor in that matter, or in other words, not at all. And the same goes for Oreos. And Les Misérables. And Star Wars. Maybe you're beginning to see the pattern here.

"Gollum, please get up," the irritated Ranger asked for the umpteenth time.

"No, Precious won't get up, Precious hurt his leg, Precious can't walk," the small creature on the ground whined.

"I looked at your leg, there's nothing wrong with you." Aragorn had the patience of an Elf, but this was enough to drive anyone up the wall.

"My stomach hurts and nasty, dirty Men are trying to make me march without food or water, poor Precious will waste away." Gollum was fine and he knew it, but he was trying to drive Aragorn up the wall.

"Gollum, if you don't stop faking sick, I'm not going to give you any Oreos with dinner," Aragorn said, thinking that no Oreos with dinner was the lightest punishment humanly possible. Apparently, Gollum felt differently.

"No Oreos! Acccch, Precious will die! We must walk, even if we have appendicitis, precious!" Gollum wailed in an Oreos-withdrawal fashion.

"You don't have appendicitis, Gollum. Now, c'mon, let's get going."

"Precious will crawl." Well, whatever. It didn't really matter to Aragorn. However, he did mind when Gollum crawled up to him and pretended to be a cat.

"What the Mordor are you doing!" Aragorn yelled when Gollum tried to claw him.

"Meow," Gollum meowed, failing horribly to look cute and cuddly.

"You're not a cat Gollum!"

"Precious is a kitty cat," Gollum argued.

"Precious is not a kitty cat," Aragorn replied, then realizing how stupid that sounded.

"Yes Precious is," Gollum tried to look cute again, and failed even worse than the first time.

In a stroke of brilliance Aragorn said "Okay, but if you're going to be a kitty cat you have to wear a collar."

"Meow."

Aragorn fashioned a collar out of rope and was very pleased with himself, thinking that life had been made safer for all considered with Gollum tethered. This cat thing might not be that bad. Gollum already brought back small, still-alive animals in his mouth, so Cat-Gollum might be an improvement.

It was an improvement, for a while, but then Gollum showed yet another odd aspect of his personality. He began to sing. Oh, the humanity.

"Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye. Look down, look down; you're here until you die."

It took Aragorn a few moments to realize what in Middle Earth he was singing about. Then it hit him. "So you fancy yourself Jean Valjean, eh? Well, please stop. It's bad enough with the whole dual personality thing, without you thinking you're someone else." But Gollum was not to be disarmed so easily.

"They laugh at me, these fellows, just because I am small-"

It was the last straw for poor Aragorn. "You're not anyone from Les Misérables, will you just accept that!"

"Luke, I am you father." Gollum quoted.

"That doesn't even make sense, Gollum!"

They couldn't reach Mirkwood fast enough.


	2. Phantom

Well, this one isn't as funny, but the story needed a conclusion, so enjoy.

Disclaimer: See previous chapter.

After a long, long journey that taxed even a Ranger, the duo arrived at Mirkwood. Aragorn was rather glad to be at the end of the journey. Gollum had not yet finished impersonating Broadway characters. Aragorn was relived to find that Gandalf had told the elves of his condition, to an extent.

"He thinks he's the Phantom of the Opera," he told Legolas quietly.

A doubtful look crossed over the elf's face. It quickly left when Gollum began to sing 'The Music of the Night'.

"That is just wrong somehow," Legolas said as several more of his kindred dragged Gollum away.

"Tell me about it," Aragorn grumbled. "I hope you have a few good psychiatrists around."

"No, but Mithrandir has told everyone to treat him kindly. We'll take good care of him," Legolas clarified. "Perhaps more than he deserves."

"Trust me, you could throw him to the Orcs and it would be less than he deserved.'

Gollum chose then to screech, "Who's the toad?".

"So he does that a lot?" Legolas asked cautiously.

"At least it's 'Phantom'," Aragorn said gloomily. "Last week it was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. That was a nightmare."

"We'll count ourselves lucky," Legolas said with a smile. "Is there anything else?"

"All I can think of is to give him Oreos with dinner."

The rest of his suggestions were drowned out by a cry of "I'll be back!"


End file.
